The Only Thing Worse Than a Dalek Is a Mary Sue
by AineQueenOfTheBritons
Summary: After the TARDIS malfunctions, The Doctor, Donna, & their strange new companion must do battle to save our favorite fandoms from an infestation of the worse kind: Mary Sues! Will include: The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and more!
1. Puella Perfecta

**AN: I've never written a Mary Sue parody like this before, but here it goes! 'Hooked' was my first attempt at an OC, because I had always been afraid of writing a Sue, but Kathy turned out pretty well for a first try, I think. Anyway, I hope this isn't too hypocritical. :) I'll be updating 'Hooked' pretty soon.**

Chapter 1: Puella Perfecta

After another one of their successful adventures, the Doctor and Donna sat in the TARDIS, bored. It had been a whole hour since they were last in any real danger.

Donna was idly starring at all the different buttons and knobs of the TARDIS. "Come on, space man, you must have somewhere in mind we could go."

"I do have one idea," the Doctor grinned, " But it's reckless, even for me."

"Oh please, I'm sure it can't be worse than giant wasps or erupting volcanoes," Donna put her hands on her hips, "So, what would this 'dangerous' adventure entail?"

"Just pushing this button," he pointed to a button labeled "M.S." and continued to explain, "I've never pressed it before, but from the feeling of dread I get whenever I look at it, I'm pretty sure that it's hiding a diabolical secret."

"So that's it? We just press that little button? That's the adventure?"

"Yes- well… no. If nothing happens then yes. So, yes- but no, because I think something will happen."

"Then you're saying 'no'?"

"Yes!"

"Ugh, just press it and see what happens!"

As soon as the Doctor pressed the button, the TARDIS jumped. He and Donna were thrown about for several seconds before it finally came to a violent stop.

The Doctor sprung up from the ground and ran to the door. "Let's see where we are!"

At first, it was nothing remarkable. They seemed to have landed it a London alleyway near Donna's own time, if not the exact year.

"How thrilling," said Donna sarcastically, "Let's go."

"WAIT!" The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver to measure the air around them. "Something's coming."

Just then, a young woman with long blonde hair came running around a corner into the alley. Behind her were two large men chasing her. One held a coil of long rope, the other a terrifying wrench.

She stopped when she reached the Doctor and clung to his coat. "Help me, please! They're trying to rape me!" she cried.

"In here!" the Doctor gestured her and Donna into the TARDIS and he locked the door behind them. The two men could still be heard outside, but the Doctor assured the girl that they could not get in.

She calmed down almost instantly and began to take in her surroundings. "Wow, it's bigger on the inside, isn't it? Are you two some sort of aliens?"

"Yes," The Doctor replied, "Well… sort of. I'm the Doctor. I am what is called a Time Lord, from the planet Gallifrey. This is the TARDIS, it's what you'd call a spaceship. Oh, and this is Donna."

"I'm completely human, don't worry," said Donna. She was surprised that the Doctor was so keen to talk to this stranger. "Are you alright? You must have had quite a fright."

The girl shrugged, "I guess I did," she said, "Stuff like that happens to me all the time, ever since my parents died and I've been living on the streets."

The Doctor looked down at his Converse. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh, it's no big deal, but I probably can't go back out there alone for a few days since they'll be looking for me. Can I stay with you?"

"No," Donna grumbled. She didn't mean to sound so cross, but there was definitely something wrong about this girl.

But the Doctor talked over her, "Why, of course! You must!" Now, the Doctor could be too trusting at times, but he was never this thick. Donna did not like this at all.

"Oh, thank you just ever so much, Doctor Who! My name's Susan. I'm 18-years-old, and before today, completely alone in the world."

He turned to Donna. "Isn't she sweet?" All Donna could do was roll her eyes. Honestly, he didn't even correct the "Who." He was simply "The Doctor."

"Come on! Let's go somewhere!" Susan began to jump up and down. Donna thought she saw her wink at the Doctor.

"Yes! Allons-y! I've got just the place in mind." He fired up the TARDIS and they were off. But not a second later, it began to jolt again, throwing them about.

Susan was thrown straight into the console but seemed completely unfazed. She was certainly a tough little thing. "Is it always like this, Doctor Who?" she said without the slightest pause; she wasn't even winded.

The TARDIS stopped and the Doctor got up, rubbing his side. "No, I pressed that glowing button over there just before we picked you up. It made the TARDIS uncontrollable. It must still be activated." After putting on his glasses, he walked over and gave the sonic screwdriver a wave, but to no avail. "It's almost like someone is interfering with it."

Susan did't seem too concerned, however. "Are we on a different planet?" she asked as she headed towards the door.

"There's no way of knowing where, or when, we are. I should check where we are before we actually go outside." He turned on a small screen and turned several knobs. Donna and Susan stood behind him to see what would happen.

After a minute, words flashed on the screen. The left side was slightly askew and the first word was completely undecipherable, but the rest seemed to say "Earth, T.A. 3019."

"What does 'T.A.' mean?" asked Donna.

The Doctor shrugged, "I have an idea, but it would be highly improbable. If I could see the rest, maybe it would make sense." Again, he reached for the screwdriver, and again nothing happened.

"Let me try!" said Susan, and before the others could protest, she gave the monitor a hard whack. Instantly, it all became clear: "Middle Earth, T.A. 3019."

All the Doctor did was nod. "Just as I thought. At least we know what T.A. means then."

Donna stood there, mouth agape, before exclaiming, "But that's impossible!"

"Not really, when you think about it," he began to explain while he paced back and forth and tugged on his ear absent-mindedly. "In theory, a TARDIS can travel into a fictional dimension, a fandom if you like, but I've never heard of it actually being done. It would take a large evil force to do something like that. I told you that button was cool!"

"Wait," Susan was starting to get even more excited, "Are you telling me that we are in _The Lord of the Rings_?"

"Oh yes!" was the Doctor's reply.

And without further ado, he and Susan ran out the door, both of them positively giddy. With a tired look on her face, Donna followed.

Outside, it was snowing heavily. The TARDIS had landed on a ridge in the middle of a high mountain range. Below was a path where several people could be seen walking. All Donna's apprehensions were pushed aside. "I can't believe it! It really is the fellowship!" She became nearly as giddy as Susan. Then she noticed that The Doctor had become silent.

Susan had noticed too. "Doctor Who, what's the matter?"

"Count how many there are."

"What?"

"Count how many people you see down there!"

Not including Bill the Pony, Donna and Susan expected to see nine.

There were ten.


	2. 10th Walker

Chapter 2: 10th Walker

"That's impossible! This shouldn't be happening!" cried the Doctor who began to pace back and forth in the knee-high snow of Caradhras.

"I thought you just said it _was_ possible, in theory. Aren't we in _The Lord of the Rings_?" asked Susan.

"Well… yes, technically. I mean, sort of. We are certainly in the 'fandom,'" he continued to pace and spoke rapidly, "We are in what seems to be an imposter world."

Donna and Susan stared at each other before the former finally spoke, "And what does that mean in English?"

"To put it simply, we are in a fanfic. The extra member of the Fellowship that's down there," he pointed, "is the original character, the O.C., of said fic."

"But how'd we get here?"

"Frankly, I've no ide- WAIT! The button! _Yes_, of course! 'M.S.!' This isn't just an O.C., it's a-"

"MARY SUE!" exclaimed Donna and Susan. Both had dabbled in fanfiction and knew the gravity of the situation.

"Yes! That's what's been interfering with the TARDIS. We probably won't be able to leave until she- or he, I suppose- is neutralized. The entire universe could be in jeopardy! The energy of Mary Sues is unspeakably powerful!"

They then carefully made their way down to the path where they found the oddest sight.

The guys of the Fellowship even looked liked they did in the movies. Clearly, this fic wasn't based on the books, much to the Doctor's disappointment. At first glance, the Fellowship looked just as it should, at least by Hollywood standards, but then they looked at Legolas.

He was positively glowing, and he smiled so wide that it looked as if it hurt. On his arm there clung a she-elf. Her purple eyes seemed to hold all the mysteries of the heavens and knowingly hovered over the newcomers. Her dazzling cascade of saffron tresses shown as the mid-summer sun. But most revolting of all was what she wore around her neck: it was the Ring, the One Ring. Donna glanced at Frodo, and sure enough, there was nothing around his neck, and he wore a disconcertingly carefree expression.

"Hello! I'm the Doctor, and this is Susan! And Donna."

It would be logical that Gandalf, or maybe Aragorn, would have been the first to address them, but the Sue spoke instead. "Greetings, fellow travelers! I am Éodriel Moonshine, and this is my husband, Leggy Green-something. What is it again, honey? Oh, whatever. We are on our way to Mordor but have been forced to turn back and go through Moria."

After taking a moment to contain his disgust, the Doctor replied, "You're going to Moria, you say? What a coincidence! So are we!"

"Then you _must_ join us!" said Éodriel as she winked at him.

"Donna," whispered the Doctor, "When we stop for the night, I want you to try and get close to the Sue, whatever her name is. Look for any information we could use to defeat her. Susan and I'll watch the others."

"Got it!" she tried not to look suspicious, but why did he want to spend so much time with Susan?

They continued to walk and made it out of the snow much too quickly. "Time distortion," the Doctor explained, "It's all too common with Sues. As a Time Lord, I have to say it's giving me a headache. I can feel time being twisted."

They were not far from the entrance to the mines when it became dark, and the group made camp. With a sigh, Donna left the others and followed the Sue.

Everyone except Éodriel was to sleep on the ground. But of course, she just _had_ to have the special tent that she forced poor Bill to carry. And, naturally, it would be unthinkable for the Sue to set up her own tent. That job was assigned to the four hobbits who did it gratefully.

Donna reclined against a tree a few feet away from the tent and observed silently. On the other side of the campsite, the Doctor sat in a similar fashion, watching the men carefully. At his side was Susan who had curled up with her head in his lap and fallen asleep. If it had been anyone but the Doctor, it might have been touching.

When Éodriel was finally ready for bed (she had to comb out her precious hair first), Legolas joined her in the tent. The moaning started instantly.

"Oh, LEGOLAS!" Éodriel's perfect voice echoed into the silent night. And to make matters worse, they left a lamp lit. Poor Donna saw everything.

Luckily, it was all over quickly. Mary Sue sex is always boring, passionless, and short. Legolas stepped out of the tent and took up his post on the ground outside. He closed his eyes, his uncharacteristic smile as wide as ever.

By then the camp had grown still and dark. Just as Donna began to fall asleep, she heard faint rustling where the men slept. She turned towards the direction of the noise to see a figure creep out of the shadows. He came over to the tent and paused in front so that his face was bathed in light just long enough for Donna to recognize him as Aragorn. To Donna's dismay, he entered the tent and Éodriel began her shameful display all over again, only this time it was worse.

"Ooooooh, Aragoooooorn! Yessssss!"

The whole tent shook this time. Donna tried to find something to cover her ears with, but nothing worked. She had begun to loudly hum to herself when she remembered that Legolas was lying right there. She looked to see that he still looked asleep. But elves don't sleep, not like that anyway, not like men. And even a man couldn't sleep through that! The noise in the tent subsided, and Donna could faintly hear him snoring. It made absolutely no sense.

Again, it was mercifully over quickly, and Aragorn left. But then another shadow came, this time much shorter and stockier than the last.

Thus, Gimli was made to suffer the same fate.

This pattern went on for at least an hour until every male in the camp, save the Doctor, had paid Éodriel a visit. All the while, Legolas slept undisturbed, made grossly OOC by the evil Mary Sue.

Another hour passed until Donna was finally able to go to sleep despite the strong urge to be sick.

The next morning, they continued to Moria. Donna pulled the Doctor and Susan aside and told them what had transpired the night before.

"First of all, Legolas has narcolepsy, but that bit of canon derailment isn't what's important. She's shagging everyone!"

The Doctor nodded knowingly, "I thought she might be one of those Easy Sues."

"But you don't understand!" cried Donna, "When I say everyone, I mean all _ten _of them."

"Ten?" asked Susan.

The Time Lord was quick to correct Donna, "But there are nine."

Donna sighed, "No, ten." She gestured towards where Éodriel stood with Sam who starred vacantly at her in blind adoration. The two of them were petting poor Bill the Pony. To the Doctor's horror, the Sue seemed to lick her lips as she sensuously caressed the animal.

"Now Donna, I'm sure there's some misunderstanding."

Donna was about to explain exactly what she saw when they abruptly arrived at entrance to the mines. This time disturbance thing was really starting to get on Donna's nerves.

Naturally, when it was time for Sam to say goodbye to Bill, Éodriel took his place. "Alas, dear Bill! Let not your soul be downtrodden by this crossroad where we must part. I swear that we shall find each other on the path of life again one day!"

"I'm sorry to have doubted you, Donna," said the Doctor who looked as if he would barf up his extra heart.

Gandalf began to puzzle over the "speak friend" riddle, and the Doctor and his companions settled down for Frodo to answer it. But they had no need to fear hours of boredom, because within a minute, Éodriel was called to figure out the password.

"_Mellon_," she said in a bored voice.

They began to move inside. Donna looked back at the water, but nothing stirred, let alone a tentacle. Back inside, there were still bodies littered across the floor, but not even Gimli seemed to notice something was wrong. Clearly, this was all more canon warp brought on by the Mary Sue. It was all very dull, no sense of adventure whatsoever.

It took just a few minutes to reach the fork in the path. Donna secretly hoped that this pause in the trip would be as short as the one at the entrance, that Éodriel would pop up to chose a path, but she was no where to be seen. In the distance, Donna thought she heard humanoid murmurs, but they were certainly not from orcs. If they were, there would have been a chance that they ate Éodriel.

"Doctor, did you see where Éodriel went?"

He shrugged, "No, and it's making me feel uneasy."

They began looking around, but it was quite difficult in the dark without the help of the canon characters who didn't seem to care. Finally Susan called out, "I found her, Doctor Who." She pointed. "Her hair is so bright, it practically glows in the dark."

Sure enough, Éodriel was climbing up out of the dark. She looked slightly disheveled, in a sexy Mary Sue sort of way, of course. Behind her they could see a small, dark figure. Naturally, it was Gollum. Unnaturally, he was grinning, just as Legolas did. To the onlookers' horror, he was adjusting his loincloth. To she was an easy Sue would be an understatement. And she was wearing the Ring at the time! How could that even work?

The Doctor's one eyebrow was as high as Donna had ever seen it. He shook his head as if to clear his mind, "I honestly have no comment."

Without hesitation, Éodriel picked the path that smelled better, and they were soon on their way.

The final leg of their journey to the bridge proved to be even more boring. There were no arrows flying at them, Sting failed to glow, and they didn't even stop at Balin's tomb. In that moment, all hope of destroying the Sue had failed.

Then something happened the Sue did not intend.

As they began to cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm, all was dark. But as they reached the halfway point, canon made a bid for its life, and the chasm below began to glow.

"Well, it's about time," said the Doctor under his breath.

Up came the Balrog, and Gandalf began to step forward. Just then, the Doctor got an idea.

"Éodriel!" he called. She looked around and smiled seductively.

"I was just wondering why Gandalf should fight the Balrog when we have a lady of you caliber to do battle for us?"

"In my perfect, infinite wisdom, why did I not think of that? Gandalf, darling, you do not mind, do you?"

He stepped aside, "Of course not, love."

"You shall not pass!" cried Éodriel. Even then, it sounded as if she intended to go to bed with the monster. But the Balrog was not amused.

He seemed to retreat at first, the Mary Sue words were strong. Then came its whip.

She clung to the edge of the fragmented bridge, just as Gandalf was supposed to. All at once, the members of the Fellowship lunged forward, just as the Doctor had planned. "I shall save you!" they all yelled at once. Despite their intentions, the sudden movement was too much for the old stone, and Éodriel was thrown to her death. Her perfect voice rang through the stagnant air and slowly diminished until they could hear her no more.

As was his way in times like this, the Doctor looked solemn. "It had to be done," he said quietly.

The Fellowship was thrown into hysterical fits of crying. They all looked as though they might pitch themselves off the bridge to join her. Luckily, canon began to right itself just in time, and they were all released from the Sue's power.

Gandalf was the first to snap out of it.

"Thank you, Doctor and friends. I do not know where you come from, but I know you have a great destiny before you."

"Oh, it's nothing. It's been a treat really," the Time Lord replied.

"Speak for yourself," said Donna. Susan fervently nodded in agreement.

Soon, the others were back to normal. The Ring was back around Frodo's neck, and the other hobbits were all arguing about food. Even Legolas was eventually a composed elf once again, although his jaw still seemed to ache from all that smiling; he kept rubbing it when he thought no one was looking.

The rest of the world around them began to change, and Sting was suddenly blue. Soon, orcs were coming in from every direction. Arrows were flying, and the Doctor was practically beaming at the reinstatement of canon, despite the fact that one arrow almost hit him.

It all became very confusing, and it was nearly impossible to tell what was happening. "Gandalf!" screamed Frodo. While Donna had had her back turned, the Balrog's whip had come back up and dragged Gandalf into the abyss, just as the growing canon had predetermined. It was reassuring to see canon fix itself, but it was still hard to watch the fellowship's reaction to what they assumed was Gandalf's death.

"Uh, listen," said Donna to Frodo, "I wouldn't worry about him too much."

"But as for now, RUN!" yelled the Doctor who pointed to the other side of the bridge.

Running just behind the Doctor, Donna began to wonder how they would find their way back to the TARDIS. Just as she began to get worried, there came a loud POP! She felt the wind being knocked out of her as she was slammed into a hard metallic surface. When she opened her eyes, she saw that she, the Doctor, and Susan were back in the TARDIS.

The Doctor saw her puzzled expression before she could say anything. "Canon's back to normal now. It had to kick us out though."

As soon as they all stood up, they were thrown back down again as the TARDIS began to malfunction.

When it stopped, Donna was the first to say what was on the others' minds: "So, where are we now?"

The Doctor got up and fiddled with readout again. A minute later he read "Scotland, Earth, 1995." He couldn't help grinning. "You guys'll love this one," he said as he opened the doors.

Outside, all was green. In front of them stood an imposing castle. Nearby there was a dark lake with a ship docked there, and in the distance they could see a hedge maze.

"No freakin' way!" Susan exclaimed, "We're in _Harry Potter_!"


	3. Bitchiwitch

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for reviewing! Now that it's summer, I'll hopefully have more time to write. A few people have asked if Susan is a Sue. Indeed, she is. I wanted this to be pretty obvious, so hopefully it is. The question isn't whether or not she's a Sue; it's a question of how she is a Sue.**

Chapter 3: Bitchiwitch

"Excellent! My all-time favorite fandom!" said the Doctor as he rummaged through his pockets. Eventually, he pulled out a pair of 3D glasses and put them on.

"Doctor," began Donna, "why on earth are you wearing those?"

"Well… it's a long story, but believe me, things might get complicated if people see my face in this incarnation. Best not break the forth wall."

"Huh? It's not like anyone would recognize you," said Susan. He didn't respond.

They began to walk around Hogwarts for any signs of the Mary Sue. Clearly, they were in Harry's forth year, shortly before the 3rd task. A few students, both from Hogwarts and the visiting schools, could be seen walking around, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The trio continued into the castle.

They took a break from Sue-searching to marvel at Hogwarts' splendid interior. Susan was admiring an old suit of armor when a high-pitched laugh could be heard overhead. Before she even had the time to look up, the Doctor pushed her aside, out of the way of a barrage of falling eggs.

"At least Peeves is in character," observed the Doctor as he helped Susan to her feet. They all looked up to see the poltergeist float through a door nearby. The Doctor couldn't help smiling, "This fic must be based on the books; Peeves wasn't in the movies."

But just then, movie!McGonagall came out of a nearby classroom to see what all the commotion was about. "All right," whispered the Doctor, "so maybe it's one of those blended-canon fics."

McGonagall glanced at the eggs on the ground and rolled her eyes, knowing instantly who the culprit was. Then she looked up and stared at the Doctor's glasses before saying, "And who, exactly, are you three?"

"Ah," the Doctor pulled out his psychic paper. He grinned from ear to ear; she at least _seemed_ to be in character.

McGonagall read whatever was on the paper and looked back up at the Doctor. "I was not aware that the American President of Magic was sending emissaries to watch the Tournament. The Americans boycotted the last one held in 1792. Something to do with the Muggle Revolution."

The Doctor cleared his throat. "Yes, well…" he tried to sound American, "It was a last-minute decision."

"Indeed." She raised an eyebrow. "The third task begins in several hours. I am sure you would prefer to sit with our Minister, but I cannot guarantee you will find seats near him."

"Oh, we'll make do, I'm sure," Susan followed the Doctor's lead, "Ya'll know, this is a real hum-dinger of a school you got here, ma'am."

Honestly, sometimes Donna feared for Susan's sanity.

"Um, thank you. Anyway, my name is Menerva McGoogle. If you have any problems, I can find one of the Minister's assistants to help you." "McGoogle" went back to her class.

"I don't get it," said Donna, "The Mary Sue must not be a very strong one. Nothing else is out of place besides McGonagall's name."

"Don't be so sure of that, missy," came a rough voice from behind them. It was Mad-Eye Moody, or more precisely, it was Barty Crouch Jr. "You're here because of _her_, ain't you?" He eyed the Doctor's glasses even more suspiciously than McGoogle did.

"That depends. Who's 'her?'" the Doctor slid his glasses further up his nose. His accent was a little better this time.

"Follow me," replied the imposter, "and I might be able to help you. And you can stop with that accent. I've a vague idea of why you're here; there's no need to keep up the charade with me."

Cautiously, they obeyed, and he brought them to the Great Hall. Little more than a glance, and they knew that something was very wrong. Hardly anyone was in uniform. The Gryffindors all wore various shades of pick, regardless of gender, and the Slytherins wore nothing but purple, red, and above all, black. The other two houses seem to have been forgotten.

"I don't know who you three are, but I can assure you that she's the one you want." Moody/Crouch pointed to a girl near the end of the Slytherin table. Her clothes all seemed too small, bordering on indecent exposure. Both arms were covered in fresh cuts, presumably self-inflicted. On either side of her sat two boys with cuts to match hers. They sat in awe of the girl and were in clear competition for her affection.

"Who are the two she's sitting with?" asked the Doctor, although he already suspected the answer.

"The ferret on her left is young Malfoy," Moody gestured towards the bleach-blond boy wearing black leather pants, "And the one on her right is Amos Diggory's boy." Cedric looked even more ridiculous than Draco with thick eyeliner and pasty skin that sparkled slightly.

"Hold on," said Susan, "Why is Cedric in Slytherin?"

"Funny you should say that," Moody replied gruffly, "I could have sworn he was sorted into Hufflepuff, but everyone's forgot. I don't even see the Hufflepuff table."

Moody was about to lead them out of the Great Hall, but the Sue spotted them first. "Hay, u! Ya, u, prepz!" She looked directly at the Doctor as she called them. "i wanna talk w/ you, bitchez!"

Donna covered her ears. "I can actually hear the terrible spelling and grammar!"

"Best do what she says," muttered Moody.

Against their better judgment, they walked over to her.

"i don't wanna see you're prepy ases while i eet."

The Doctor let out a long sigh. These Sues would be the end of him. "What's your name?"

"Death n Decay, butt u can call me double D. U no y?"

"No, but I have a idea, and it has nothing to do with your actual name."

"it's cause mi bra iz a Dooble D, git it?" Draco and Cedric lustfully nodded in agreement. Donna face-palmed.

"Of course," the Doctor replied, wishing his hunches weren't right all the time. "Well, we'll just leave you to your meal."

* * *

Moody brought them to his office and shut the door behind them. "_Muffliato," _he muttered to prevent eavesdroppers.

"I know you know who I really am," he said after sitting down, "but I also know you won't do anything about it."

The Doctor was slightly taken aback. This guy was good. "Our job is to put things back the way they're supposed to be," said the Doctor, "If we were to stop you from going through with your plan tonight, we'd only create further problems. The fate of the universe hangs in the balance as it is." The Doctor then proceeded to introduce himself, Susan, and Donna, but he was careful not to give away that they were from the "real world." The results of doing so could be disastrous. None of the characters could know that they were fictional.

"I thought as much. You say you're a doctor. Then tell me, what's your diagnosis? Why is it that I'm the only one who thinks that this girl doesn't belong?"

"Reality has been altered. I'm still not sure how, but an outside force has put that girl here and changed everyone. It forgot about you somehow, so you can still remember how things are really supposed to be.

"From where we come from, Double-D is what is called a Mary Sue. Judging by the specific symptoms, she is most likely the result of a troll, and a lousy one at that."

"I think I'd know if there was a troll in this castle, Doctor."

Donna chuckled, "We don't mean there's a literal troll on the loose. It's just a word we use to describe the situation."

"Humph! Well, your world's certainly a strange one. Full of Muggles, I'm sure." Moody took a swig of Polyjuice, and his tongue flicked out of the side of his mouth in disdain. "So, how do we go about destroying the little harlot?"

The Doctor thought for moment. "Is she one of the champions?"

Moody nodded, "How'd you guess?"

"Classic Mary Sue behavior," the Doctor shrugged, "There was such an uproar over having four champions. Five must have made it a complete nightmare."

"Five?" Moody said in a confused grumble, "Who said anything about a fifth champion? There's four, just as I intended, except the forth contestant ain't Potter. That damn goblet was tampered with!"

Donna tried her hardest to control her anger. "You don't mean to say Double-D took Harry's place!"

"'Ay, 'course she did! Potter's never had it easier! He's spent the whole term snogging some girl named 'Chew Chain.' Although, I did hear Granger say he's 'bisezual' now, whatever that's supposed to mean."

"Well, it's a troll fic; that's to be expected," said the Doctor, "Now, where would Harry be this time of day? Gryffindor common room? Quidditch field? Hagrid's hut?"

Moody shook his head, "Your mind's far too logical, Doctor. Harry's a Slytherin now. He'll be at the concert they're havin' in Hogsmead."

"Muggle alternative rock/punk/emo pop, right?" the Doctor had seen this all before.

"Something like that. You'd best bring your earplugs."

* * *

The walk to Hogsmead was short and relatively pleasant. All the people they passed seemed in character, mainly because they were all forgotten minor characters. It was a lovely spring day, and all of the OOC major characters were far too angsty to walk around and simply enjoy the weather.

Unfortunately, Hogsmead was not so agreeable. Everything was dark and unearthly. Goths stood on every corner, smoking and wallowing in their own self-pity.

Besides looking very miserable, the town had grown in size to accommodate the stage which now sat in the center. Some Muggle band was playing there. The Doctor, Donna, and Susan didn't care enough to see who it was; the music was terrible anyway.

Double-D was in the front row accompanied by "Drako," "Sedric," and "Hairy." Harry was decked out in a similar Gothick fashion as the other boys and stood slightly behind the Sue and her other companions.

The Goths were too busy singing of their bleeding souls to notice what happened next.

On the Doctor's signal, Moddy sent a stunning spell at Harry._ "Incarcerous,_" he said to tie him up for extra measure.

As much as the Doctor hated to see Harry beat up by a Death Eater, he knew it was the way to get canon back to normal. "Here," the Doctor searched Harry's pockets and pulled out the Invisibility Cloak. "We can hide him with this."

Moody nodded, and after the boy was covered, he threw him over his shoulder. He grunted from the weight. "Where to now, Doctor?"

"The hedge maze, I suppose. The 3rd task should be starting soon."

Hearts were heavy as Moody carried poor Harry to the maze. Once they arrived, the Doctor found a secluded spot in the hedge where they could wait for the Sue.

"Doctor Who? Shouldn't the hedge be attacking us or something?" Susan looked very anxious.

"Yes, but it won't. Nothing is dangerous around here anymore."

"Oh, right."

Harry was starting to come to, just as the band began to play in the distant to signal the start of the 3rd task. Moody made a movement to stun him again, but the Doctor stopped him.

"Let me try something first. Harry, I'm not sure if you can hear me, but this might hurt." The Doctor took out the sonic screwdriver and gave Harry a sharp zap to the head.

Moody was quick to muffle Harry's yell of pain. When his green eyes cleared, he released him.

"That hurt!" said Harry as he rubbed his temples. "Who are you three? Why are you wearing those glasses? What _is_ she? What has she done to me? Why am I dressed like this?"

The Doctor then proceeded to answer all of Harry's questions, except for the one concerning his 3D glasses. "Harry," he said finally, "We need you to enter the third task and take Double-D's place."

"I'll do it, but why me?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Harry. You'll just have to trust us. When you get to the cup, do not let her touch it, whatever you do. You and Cedric will know what to do after that."

Harry put on a brave face. "If Moody trusts you, then I trust you."

"Good lad!" said Moody. His face held a gleeful expression that the Doctor did not like.

Harry put on a brave face and ventured out into the maze. Moody turned to the Doctor, "What happens now?"

"We wait until Harry reaches the portkey. Then we Apparate to the graveyard to make sure everything goes as it should. But since we can't Apparate from Hogwarts, we'll have to walk back to Hogsmead. I'd use my, um, vehicle, but it won't work until the Mary Sue is gone."

Moody shook his head, "What makes you say we can't Apparate from here? That rule hasn't been in place since Dumbledore started painting his fingernails black."

"Oh," the Doctor didn't know whether he should be relieved or frightened by this. "In that case, we'll just Apparate from here."

"Doctor, you know it's pitch black out here, right?"

The Doctor straightened his tie. He knew where this was going.

Moody continued, "Why can't I see your face behind those glasses?"

"Believe me, you can never know. I can only handle the truth because I'm a Time Lord. The existential dilemma it would produce is too much for the human mind. And the girls," the Doctor gestured towards Donna and Susan, "they can never see your true face either, _Crouch_."

The name silenced the matter.

* * *

The maze became eerily quiet as the minutes crawled by. Ordinarily, Moody would have been busy trying to sabotage the other champions, but Double-D had already taken care of them. Fleur and Victor were far too preppy for her taste.

Basically, it was Moria all over again, only without the time distortion to speed things along. Donna was about to pull her hair out from the boredom. Susan, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind too much since she passed the time staring at the Doctor.

"Doctor, how will we know when they reach the goblet?" Donna prayed it would be soon.

"Glad you asked," he paused to remember her name, "Donna. I've got the sonic set to alert me in the event of any fluctuation in ambient Mary Sue radiation. When Harry touches that portkey, it will start a chain reaction of canon reinstatement that will diminish the Mary Sue's powers, thus reducing the Mary Sueness that she gives off."

"Oh, well, you could have just said that in the first place. And you could try to remember my name." She said the last bit under her breath.

Susan smiled at her. "Stay on the bright side, Donna! I'm sure I'll happen any minute."

As if by magic, the sonic screwdriver began to illuminate their little corner of the maze, just as Susan finished speaking.

"Allons-y!" cried the Doctor, and they Disapperated.

When Donna's head cleared from the trip, she realized that they were just outside the graveyard. For a second she was worried that the Death Eaters would see them, but she quickly realized that they were far too OOC. Lucius and the elder Crabbe and Goyle were listening to their iPods, and the other Death Eaters were all wearing pink. In Wormtail's arms, baby Voldemort looked unreasonably cute and unshriveled in a Hello Kitty t-shirt.

"I NEW U DEATH DEALERS WAZ AL A BUNCH OF FUKING POZERS!1**" **came a voice from across the graveyard, complete with audible punctuation fail. The portkey had just arrived. Harry must have been Sued again because his eyes were glazed over. Cedric was nowhere in sight. In his place stood Double-D.

"What? _What_?" the Doctor stood there in disbelief, "He can't be under her spell (pun intended) again! An outside force must be behind this."

"Kill the spare," said baby Voldemort in the completely normal voice of a toddler.

In a flash of pink light, the "spare" lay dead.

But it wasn't the Sue.

It was Harry.

Moody bubbled over with anger. This Mary Sue had ruined everything. Harry had to be alive for just a few more minutes to complete the Dark Lord's rebirth.

To the Doctor's alarm, Moody drew his wand.

"Barty," whispered the Doctor, "You can't kill her. I know it's temping, but she's still a life, even if she shouldn't be here. Her blood will be on our hands if we kill her. Murder should be the final option."

"Honestly, Doctor. I thought you knew who you were dealing with." With a dissonant laugh, the imposter Mad-Eye Moody walked out of the the shadows.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Double-D's face held a stunned expression as she fell. Not a second after her body hit the ground, it began to dissolve and was replaced with that of Cedric. Canon was taking effect.

A loud crack signaled Moody's Dissapperation, and the Doctor stomped over to Harry's body. All around them, the Death Eaters began to come back into character, but the Doctor ignored them.

"Harry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Susan leaned down to weep over the boy. "He'll come back, won't he, Doctor Who?"

"I'm not sure."

By now, the Death Eaters were starting put things together. Any second, the Doctor, Donna, and Susan would have to make a run for it. They turned and faced the Death Eaters to see that Voldemort was completely in character.

But so was Harry.

"The boy lives!" said Lucius.

"Kill the spares." There was nothing cute about Voldemort this time. The Doctor and his companions braced themselves to run.

"Thank you, Doctor," said Harry as he slowly picked himself off the ground.

"I'm not the one you should thank," said the Doctor darkly, "You know what to do now?"

"Yes."

"Then do it," the Doctor turned to Donna and Susan, "RUN!"

They were about to when they were all thrown back into the TARDIS. Donna didn't even bother to get up this time, as she knew the TARDIS would jumble them about any second. The TARDIS' malfunction was almost routine.

Once it had taken them to their new destination, Donna asked the question that was on the others' minds, "So, where are we now?"

"I don't care as long as it doesn't involve Goths," said Susan.

"Don't press our luck," said the Doctor, cracking a small smile, but it instantly melted away. "Do you two hear that?" He put his ear the door.

"No," Donna replied. _Stupid special Time Lord hearing_ she thought.

"Me neither," Susan shrugged, "Wait! I do hear something. Distant music, but it's getting closer."

Donna rolled her eyes, "Don't tell me we're in a musical." She could hear it by then. After a minute, the lyrics became discernible:

_Our gal Jess is Queen of the Pumpkin Patch.  
Everyone hail to the Pumpkin Queen, now!  
This is Halloween,  
This is Halloween,  
Halloween! Halloween!  
__Halloween! Halloween!_

"I'm not familiar with fanfiction for _The Nightmare Before Christmas. _It's not really my thing," said the Doctor, "Should I be concerned?"

All the girls could do was nod._  
_


	4. Puella Moderna

Chapter 4: Puella Moderna

The Doctor was not looking forward to this. Donna could see it in his face. The Goth/Emo Sue had really drained him. He had been giddy the last two times, but now he looked tired. Something was very, very wrong. In the back of her mind, Donna knew what was happening, but every time she thought about it, she would instantly forget.

They all dreaded whatever manner of Sue waited for them outside the doors of the TARDIS, but there was no way around it. The TARDIS still wasn't working.

With a loud sigh, the Doctor reached for the doors to pull them open. Before he even touched the handles, the doors swung wide open.

When the three travelers looked down, they found a most bewildered old man in a wheel chair holding a severed arm.

"He's the inventor, right?" whispered the Doctor.

"Yes," Susan replied.

Donna explained further, "That's Doctor Finklestein. He's supposed to be like Victor Frankenstein." She felt strange knowing something the Doctor didn't, but apparently Tim Burton movies weren't his thing.

Without a word, Finklestein rolled into the TARDIS and began to examine it. "What sort of contraption is this? Here I was, minding my own business, trying to catch that silly girl, Sally, and this _thing_ materializes in front of me. You had better explain yourself, boy." He somehow knew that the Doctor was the one in charge and glared at him.

"Well," the Doctor cleared his throat, "This is my ship. It lets me travel through time and sp-"

"Show me!" demanded Finklestein. His eyes had grown so wide, he didn't even let the Doctor finish his sentence.

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"She's broken." The Doctor pressed a few buttons, but all the TARDIS did was make a pathetic buzzing sound.

The old man narrowed his eyes and tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair. "It looked like it was working a minute ago."

"That's because it was, sort of. You see, we were able to land here, but we can't take off. We're stuck here until we can find," the Doctor paused, "Until we find what we're looking for."

"I _should_ take you to the vampires and see what they want to do with you, especially with an answer that vague," said the crazed scientist, "But I'm not going to. Instead, I'll take you back to my lab; you may find something there to help repair your ship. In return, you will show me how it works."

"Deal," said the Doctor, and they shook on it.

They followed Finklestein out of the TARDIS and down a winding road towards the center of town. It was strange to be live-action in a claymation world. At least there was plenty to look at.

"You don't think he can actually help repair the TARDIS, do you, Doctor Who?" asked Susan.

"Of course not. But he might help us find the Sue. He might inadvertently bring us to her."

When they reached Finklestein's house, a one-armed Sally was waiting for them. "I'll sew your arm back on later, Sally. Make these girls some food while I show this gentleman around," said Finklestein, "And try not to poison them."

"Food would be nice," said Susan, "We haven't eaten since before Moria." The two canon characters looked thoroughly confused at this, but eventually Sally set about making soup for Donna and Susan, and Finklestein escorted the Doctor upstairs.

Donna was not looking forward this meal. Sally might not mean to poison them, but a Tim Burton character's idea of edible food might not be the same as theirs. Reluctantly, she and Susan sat down at the kitchen table.

"Here we are, now," said Sally, "Hot out of the oven." She put a large steaming bowl in front of them.

"What is that?" asked Susan suspiciously.

"It's Chicken noodle soup," was Sally's anticlimactic answer.

It certainly looked and smelled like chicken noodle soup, but Donna was not ready to believe it. "But what is it really?" she asked.

Sally was hurt at this, "It's just regular soup, from this can here." She pulled out an unmistakable Campbell's soup can from the nearby trashcan.

At first Donna was relieved, until she realized the consequences of this. "I mean no offense, honestly, but where did you get that?"

"From Jack Skellington's sister, Jessie the Pumpkin Queen. It's what everyone's been eating since she came here. Why? I thought you'd like chicken. You are from Jessie's world, right?"

Donna and Susan exchanged knowing glances. "I had no idea Jack had a sister," said Donna.

"Well, Jess is his adopted sister actually. One day, she fell through what Finklestein called a vortex in your world and came through one of the doors in our forest. She really had no home over there, so Jack adopted her as his sister. She's done a lot of good for this town since she came here. Showing us new food like this is just one example. She's changed everyone here. Well, everyone except for Oogie Boogie, of course."

"You wouldn't happen to know where to find her, would you?" asked Donna, "Just to congratulate her on being such a wonderful Queen." Her last statement was positively dripping with sarcasm. Luckily, Sally didn't notice.

"Yes, of course! She's in Pumpkin Castle, just down the road. You can't miss it."

Susan and Donna eventually gathered enough courage to eat the soup. Donna was very pleased to find that it indeed tasted like normal soup. They ate quickly and ran upstairs to inform the Doctor of their discovery and found him tinkering with one of Finklestein's odd contraptions.

"Thank you for fixing my brain transference machine, Doctor," said Finklestein, "I'm sorry I could not have been of more help with your ship."

"That's quite alright, _Doctor_," said the Time Lord, "I'll be back later to show you around the TARDIS."

"I'll be waiting," he replied. "SALLY!" he yelled downstairs, "Come up here, you wretched girl, and I'll sew you back together!"

Donna and Susan filled the Doctor in as they walked out of the house. "A Sister Sue, eh? I thought as much," he said, "Clearly, the Suethor is very young. Falling into another universe is all too cliché. The good news is I don't think this is a Goth Sue; she sounds much too friendly. On to the castle then!"

Just as Sally had said, Pumpkin Castle was not hard to find. It stood on a hill overlooking the town.

"Is it just me, or is that the castle from _Edward Scissorhands_?" Donna observed.

Susan nodded, "You know, I think it is. But why are they even living in a castle? I know Jack's the Pumpkin King, but seriously, he wasn't that kind of king."

"Your guess is as good as mine," said the Doctor. He grabbed Susan's hand and raced up the path that wound up the hill. As usual, Donna lagged behind.

The Doctor reached the front door and knocked. The mayor of Halloweentown answered with a huge grin on his face. The mayor, or course, is literally two-faced, and Donna thought it considerate of him to greet them with a smile. But as she looked at the back of his head, she noticed that he no longer had a second face. He was all smiles now. That's when Donna knew how wrong things truly were. This whole place was all smiles.

They proceeded down a surprisingly bright hallway to the throne room. There sat Jack and the Sue. She looked like any other ordinary girl and was not claymation. Her hair was put back in a ponytail, and she wore jeans and a sweatshirt. Jack sat there with a blank expression on his face (which is saying something considering he has no eyes to begin with) that was not unlike the faces they had seen on Draco, Harry, and Cedric.

The Pumpkin Queen called out to them, "Hey! You guys are from my world, aren't you? My name's Jessica Skellington, but you can just call me Jessie or Jess. What's yours?"

The Doctor was right. This was by no means a Goth Sue.

"Doctor, Susan, and Other Human," the Doctor pointed to himself, Susan, and Donna.

"Pleased to meet you all!" said Jessie, "You're not another one of my suitors, are you, Doctor? You don't look like any of them, but I can't be sure. The rest are all in the banquet hall, waiting for me to choose one of them."

"Of course not! I mean, unfortunately, no. My friends and I are simply stranded travelers from your world, or something like it," said the Doctor, "Would you mind if we had a chat with some of your suitors, Your Majesty?"

"Not at all! Maybe you can help me pick one. There are so many, and I love them all! But they are so similar for some reason. I wish my brother here wouldn't make me chose now."

"As much as I'll hate to see you leave me, sister dear," Jack came out of his Sue coma to speak, "I need you to marry someone to form an alliance for the Pumpkin Kingdom. They are all fine men from other worlds like yours."

Donna could hardly contain her laughter at this. For once, Susan was right. The Suethor had taken the "King" part of "Pumpkin King" way too far.

The Doctor walked over to the nearest door and found the banquet hall. Donna and Susan had no idea where he was going with this, but they followed him anyway.

"I knew it," said the Doctor after they were all in the banquet hall, "It's a crossover."

Sure enough, the room was filled with every sort of Johnny Depp imaginable. The first one they noticed was Victor from _The Corpse Bride_ because he was the only claymation one.

The Mad Hatter was throwing a Happy Un-Birthday Party for Sweeney Todd at the large table in the middle of the room. Sweeney didn't seem too happy about it. Naturally, Edward Scissorhands had taken the liberty of cutting the chocolate cake that Willy Wonka had baked himself.

An inebriated Jack Sparrow sat in the far corner surrounded by empty rum bottles.

At first glance, Donna thought she saw a woman chatting with Ichabod Crane over by the fireplace, but she soon realized it was just a cross-dressing Ed Wood.

Other Depps stood around the room including Roux from _Chocola_t, Cry Baby, Sam from _Benny and June_, Tom Hanson from_ 21 Jump Street_, and even Sir J.M. Barrie from _Finding Neverland_.

When the Doctor, Donna, and Susan entered the room, it exploded with sound as the Depps began to demand for Jessie. Even Jack woke up.

"Has she chosen one of us? It's me, isn't it? Why be the Pumpkin Queen when you can be the Pirate Queen, Savvy?"

"Nonsense, she'll choose me for the lifetime supply of chocolate."

"You're both wrong. It's me. Once you've been with a man who wears a skirt, you never go back."

The Doctor quickly ducked out of the room and shut the door behind himself, Susan, and Donna. "I'm not going back in there," he said, "They're too Sued to help us. Let's go back to the Mary Sue; I have a plan that might just work."

They found Jessie and Jack alone in the throne room with the Halloweentown vampires. She was showing them the benefits of vegetarian vampirism. In their altered state, they heartily agreed with her.

A minute later, the vampires left, and the Doctor approached the Sue's throne. "Jess," he said, "We need to talk."

"Shoot, Doctor."

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a loud bang as the doors of the castle swung open. A foul stench began to fill the room accompanied by the skittering sound of a thousand insects and worms. Oogie Boogie had arrived.

"Your search for a perfect suitor is over, Queenie Baby!" said the sack of refuge, "Feast your eyes on this and look no further." Just as he said this, a particularly juicy worm slithered out of his nose.

Donna whispered to the Doctor, "Why on earth would someone have Oogie Boogie be interested in their Mary Sue?"

"To add angst," the Doctor replied.

"Of course."

"I've told you over and over, Oogie," said Jessie, "I have absolutely no interest in you! I've just decided, anyway. I'll marry Jack."

"But I'm your brother!" exclaimed the Pumpkin King.

Jessie shook her head, "Not you, we named the pirate Jack."

"Oh, yeah."

"That don't matter now, honey," Oogie Boogie laughed, "Jack Sparrow can't have you if you're already _mine_."

Oogie Boogie snapped his fingers, and the room was thrown into darkness. Jessie let out a piercing scream, but there was nothing anyone could do. A second later, the lights were back on (courtesy of the sonic screwdriver), and Jessie was nowhere to be found.

"Don't worry, Jack," said the Doctor, "We'll find her. Just point us to Oogie Boogie's lair."

"We will?" Donna didn't like the sound of that.

"It's just down the road in the swamp," said Jack, "But shouldn't the other Jack be the one to save her?"

"You see, I knew you were going to say that," said the Doctor, "That's the will of the author forcing its way through. Pay no attention. It's just a cliché plot device to have Jessie be the Damsel in Distress with Jack Sparrow as her Knight in Shining Armor."

This had little effect on Jack. "I still think that pirate fellow should be the one to deal with this," said Jack. But before hecould call for the drunken pirate to save the day, the Doctor and his companions were already running out the door on their way to the swamp.

* * *

Oogie Boogie's place looked just as it should, and finding it hadn't been too hard. All the Doctor really had to do was follow his nose; Oogie Boogie's stench was so strong, it left a trail.

"How are we supposed to get in there though?" the Doctor asked.

"Easy," Susan replied and pointed to a metal cage a few feet away.

The Doctor nodded, "Oh yeah, that's how those Trick-or-Treat things got inside in the movie."

"Yep."

A minute later, they landed inside the lair.

"Jack? Jack Sparrow? Is that you?" they heard Jessie's voice call from below them.

"No," said Donna, "But we are here to save you, despite my better judgment."

"Oh, I just assumed Jack Sparrow would be the one to save me. Well, come down anyway. Oogie and his minions have gone out to get stuff for our wedding and won't be back for a while."

The Doctor, Donna, and Susan found a pipe in the wall which they used to slide down the the inner sanctum of Oogie Boogie's hideout. There was Jessie, shackled to the floor. She was now wearing a bright red wedding dress, not unlike the one worn by Winona Ryder in _Beetlejuice._

The Doctor began unlocking Jessie's shackles. "Oogie was going to force you to marry him," he stated, not asked. He already knew exactly what was going on.

Jessie nodded, "I just don't understand why Jack didn't come. I thought he loved me; I thought all my suitors loved me. Why is this all happening?"

"That's why I wanted to talk to you earlier, Jess," the Time Lord replied, "We've met other girls like you, but you're different from the rest."

"How so?"

"You're a self-insert," he said simply.

"Um, ok..." the Sue certainly did _not_ understand, but Donna and Susan certainly did. Although, they still didn't know where the Doctor was going with this.

"I really wish I could explain it better to you, but I can't," he said, "This fact that you're a sel-insert is important though because it means you have a unique psychic link with your creator."

"I still don't understand."

The Doctor sighed, "I know, but you're just going to have to trust me." He put both his hands to her head. Her face held a frightened expression for a second before going completely blank. Her eyes closed as if in sleep, and her breathing slowed until it was barely audible. Donna and Susan were about to ask the meaning of all this, when Jessie's seemingly unconscious body spoke. But it wasn't Jessie's voice.

"Who are you?" it asked in a most irate tone. It was the voice of a young girl, 13, maybe 14.

"I'm the Doctor."

Jessie's eyes were still closed as she continued to speak, "You're the one who's been messing up my story, aren't you? You and your two friends."

The Doctor shrugged, "Well... yes, if you want to put it that way. I assume you're the author."

"Yes," she said, "I'm Jessica, the real-life Jessica. This is my first fanfic."

"Jessica," he said slowly, "I know you probably won't believe this, but my friends and I are somehow trapped in your story. It's as if it's become real, created it's own parallel universe."

"So what's the problem? You don't like being in my story? I thought the best writers are able to make their stories 'come alive.'"

"It's not that we don't like be here, because we do," he lied, "It's just that this isn't cannon. It's not what Tim Burton or any of the other people involved intended."

"But I love Tim Burton!" Jessica stated the obvious, "That's why I write about his stuff."

"I know," said the Doctor apologetically, "It wouldn't really be a problem except that it's destroying the universe. Now before you say anything, know that it's not your fault. There's something bigger at work here that allowed us to travel into your story. But if we can't close this specific hole, everything you know, everything I know, will be destroyed. The future of the universe, of every universe, is hanging by a thread."

Jessica went silent. So silent, the Doctor was sure for a second that he had lost contact. Finally she spoke, "What do I need to do, Doctor?"

The Doctor smiled in relief, "Just delete the story, Jessica, that's all you need to do. Delete the fic, and canon will automatically be restored. That will immediately seal up the crack in the space time continuum."

"If that's what I have to do, ok," said Jessica, sounding very disapointed.

The Doctor's face was most grim, "And Jessica?"

"Yes?"

"Before you go, will you do something else for me?"

"I guess so," she said.

"Promise me you'll keep writing. I don't want this to discourage you; you can always edit this story and repost it. Just wait a few days for me to sort this all out before you do."

Jessica's voice brightened at this, "All right, I promise."

Without further ado, she was gone. The Mary Sue opened her eyes and looked at the Doctor with great trepidation. It was all too clear that she had at least a vague idea of what was coming. "What will happen to me, Doctor?" she asked.

"I wish I knew, Jess."

Jessie closed her eyes for the second and final time. A gust of wind blew through the gudgeon, and when it subsided, she had vanished.

A moment later, they were all back in the TARDIS. It took off and landed, and all the while the Doctor remained silent. He just stood next to the the doors with Susan who was just as quiet.

Donna finally decided to ascertain their location when she realized neither of the other two were going to do it. So she walked over the console and read the screen.

"You'll love this one, Doctor," she smiled, "It's sci-fi."

"What makes you simply assume I love sci-fi?" he snapped.

"Oh, no reason," Donna frowned; she did not appreciate the tone in his voice.

"Well, Dina?" he snapped again, "What does it say?"

She ignored the name and read, "'A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.'"

The Doctor was out the doors of the TARDIS before you could say "George Lucas."


	5. Gary Stu, Part 1

**AN: I have decided to split this chapter up so I could update now rather than when I have this whole "episode" written. Thanks, everyone, for reviews!**

Chapter 5: Gary Stu Part 1

Susan didn't look like a _Star Wars_ fan by any means, yet she went skipping after the Doctor. Donna would be lying if she said she wasn't a little bit excited too. To her surprise, she found herself running out the doors, or as close to running as it could be called. She wanted to see where they had landed, but as their previous adventure had left her so emotionally drained, Donna was unable to become too excited.

Outside of the TARDIS, the air was foul and humid; they had landed on Dagobah. Where the Sue was they knew not.

The Doctor instantly took out the screwdriver and measured. He smirked, "_I sense a disturbance in the Force_."

It had happened. It had finally happened. The Doctor had completely gone nerd.

"Now that that's out of your system," said Donna, "Let's find the Sue and get this over with."

"Patience, Padawan."

The swamp was nearly silent. All that could be heard was the churning and bubbling of the filthy water. This almost zen-like hush was quickly broken by the sound of an x-wing taking off. Our three adventurers wasted no time and raced off in the direction the sound came from.

They caught a glimpse of the ship just as it left the canopy of trees. It was Luke's all right; R2-D2 was sitting on top. The Doctor panted, out of breath from running, "We just missed him."

Susan looked worried, "Hopefully the Sue didn't leave with him."

The Doctor once again took out the Sonic Screwdriver and shook his head. "It didn't. If anything, I'm getting stronger readings. The Sue is either very close or very strong."

The Doctor motioned them to follow him through the trees to where he thought he heard voices. They were careful not to step in the water lest they find themselves in a watery grave. As they walked, two voices became clear.

"It's Alec Guinness and Frank Oz," Susan observed.

Donna was confused, "Who?"

"Obi-Wan and Yoda, respectively," the Doctor rolled his eyes, "Honestly, Dianne, I know you're thick, but try to keep up."

Donna was about to retort, but she was interrupted by Yoda.

"No, there is another."

Just as Yoda said this, another ship came seemingly out of nowhere and landed just a few yards from where he sat. It was not an x-wing or any other identifiable ship from the _Star Wars_ universe. It had some elements of Boba Fett's _Slave I_ and the _Millennium Falcon_, but in general it just looked ridiculous. It was green with orange stripes and blue flames shooting out from all sorts of nonsensical vents and exhaust pipes. The ship was massive. Donna wondered how on earth it fit in the clearing, let alone how its pilot managed to land it.

"What kind of Mary Sue do you think she'll be, Doctor Who?" Susan was far too curious. "I hope she doesn't sleep with everyone or speak gibberish."

"Well, isn't it obvious, Susan Dear?" the Doctor wasn't condescending at all as he reacted to Donna's ignorance. "Just look at that ship! No girl would have or write about a ship that stupid. It isn't a Mary Sue at all."

Susan's eyes widened with fear. She saw it all clearly now. "It's a Gary Stu!"

The Doctor nodded, "Or Marty Sam, if you prefer. Personally, I like that Mary Sue and Gary Stu rhyme."

A hatch opened on the top of the ship and a strapping young man hopped out. With corn-yellow hair and bright green eyes, he was striking. He wore a Stormtrooper's uniform with all the accoutrements of a bounty hunter. Donna found herself thinking about how dashing he looked, but she managed to squash these thoughts quickly.

"Greetings, Masters Yoda and Kenobi," said the young man. He powered up his jet pack and landed on the ground in front of the corporeal and incorporeal Jedi masters who bowed before him.

"I trust you had a pleasant trip from Tatooine, Master Jadu." Obi-Wan beamed with admiration and pride at the young Jedi.

"Yes, I did." Jadu suddenly looked off into the trees where the Doctor and his companions were hiding. Surely, he could not see them. "I do not mean to alarm you, Masters, but I fear there are spies in our midst." Well, he might not be able to see them, but he could certainly sense them.

"Dark Side of the Force are they?"

"Quite possibly. There is certainly something dark about one of them."

Before they had time to react, Jadu the Jedi had drawn a green lightsaber from his belt and forced the Doctor, Donna, and Susan towards him. He held them in suspended animation above the water with one hand while holding the lightsaber up to the Doctor's neck with the other. He silenced Susan and Donna with telekinesis and simply stared at the Doctor.

"Who are you? SPEAK!" the Jedi snapped at the Doctor.

"I'm the Doctor. Pleased to meet your acquaintance." The Doctor tried to hold out his hand, but it wouldn't budge. Jadu probably wouldn't have shaken it anyway. Having nothing else to do, the Doctor continued, "We are travelers, stranded on this planet. We mean no harm."

Jadu nodded, "We shall see. Master Yoda, we should take them back to your house until we know what to do with them."

"Just a few quick questions first, though," the Doctor interjected. "What are you exactly? I mean, you're obviously force-sensitive, but you go around dressed like a bounty hunter or a clone. And then there's that _thing_ you've got parked there. I know ships, believe me, but what is it?"

Jadu had turned purple at this. He took a minute to compose himself before he responded, "You have not heard of me? I am Master Jadu! Stormtrooper clone turned bounty hunter turned smuggler turned Jedi! The Empire fears none save me! As to my ship, it's called _Millennium Slave_, and you best be careful not to mock it again."

"Oh, I won't. So, you're here to learn from Master Yoda?"

"Of course not!"

"Well that's good news. You can't get more Stu than that."

"Jadu's master I could never be. _My_ master Jadu is to be," Yoda explained, albeit strangely.

The Doctor stared blankly at Jadu. "What? _What?_"

"I have had enough of your insolence, _Doctor."_ Lightning shot from Jadu's lightsaber and hit the Doctor square in the chest, completely knocking him out. "Master Yoda, if you would be so kind, I think it is time we escort these three to your lovely home."

* * *

The Doctor woke up in a small dank room flanked by Susan and Donna.

"Are you all right, Doctor?" Donna had temporarily forgiven him for his rudeness earlier.

"I think so. One heart stopped for a minute there." He rubbed the spot where the lightning had hit.

Donna assumed that Susan would be confused by the Doctor implying that he had multiple hearts. "It's a Time Lord anatomy thing, Susan," she explained.

"She's already up to speed on all that," barked the Doctor. "I explained it all that night when we were camped outside Moria."

Donna didn't know how to reply this, bit she did know she shouldn't let her emotions show. It wasn't so much that she was jealous of Susan, at least not for romantic reasons, but the Doctor _was_ her friend, after all. Or at least he had been. What really upset her was the tone in his voice.

Finally, Donna decided to simply change the subject. "You know," she said, "In Episode V, I always thought Yoda meant Leia when he says 'another.'"

Susan nodded, "Yeah, me too. Or maybe Vader."

"Well, whoever he meant, we know it wasn't this _idiot_." Donna iced the last word with particular bitterness.

"Shhh," Susan held her finger to her lips. "I think I hear the Stu."

Donna had no intention of being quiet in front of this 'Jedi.'

"Oi! Blondie!" she unwisely taunted Jadu as he entered the room.

"Quiet," whispered the Doctor, "You'll only make him angry."

Donna was not about to listen. "Tempting with the Dark Side a little, aren't you? Last time I checked, Jedi didn't go around hurting people like that." Her righteous anger was bubbling over, not only against what the Jedi had just done to the Doctor, but over this whole adventure and how it was changing him, turning him against her. "Oh, and you mentioned you started out life as a clone. A clone who looks _nothing_ like Jango Fett." Admittedly, she had added last bit just for spite.

"Silence, _fool_!"

Jadu was about the draw his blade when the Doctor had a brilliant idea. He wasn't thinking much about saving his companion from her own rash stupidity. Rather, he was trying to think of a way to get away from the Stu. If his plan saved what's-her-face in the process, it was an afterthought.

"Master Jadu, what my friends and I simply want to know is your backstory. I am sure it is utterly fascinating."

The Stu's entire demeanor changed upon hearing this. Like all Stus and Sues, he could not resist talking about himself. He took his hand off the hilt of his lightsaber and began:

"It all started when I first realized that the force flowed through me…"

As the Stu continued to talk, the already dark room began to grow increasingly hazy.

"Doctor?" Susan's voice was raised in alarm, "I can't see!"

"Oh, don't worry about that, love," the Doctor reassured her. "It just means we're entering a flashback."


	6. Gary Stu, Part 2: The Return of the Stu

**AN: Yep, it's back! Since I'm finished with my undergrad degree and not working this summer, I've got a little more time on my hands! But, grad schools still looms. I'm facing a HUGE move come September, so I'll try to finish this before then.**

Chapter 6: Gary Stu, Part 2

Return of the Stu

The room went completely dark for a second before the Doctor and his cohorts found themselves in a filthy cantina on some other planet. From the look of the building what little could been seen of the scenery outside, it was Tatooine.

A twi'lek slave girl with blue braintails was dancing to a catchy electronic tune on a table nearby for a group of stormtroopers. A slightly younger Jadu stood among them. He stuck out like a sore thumb since he was the only one without a helmet on. Heaven forbid he should deny the world his beautiful face because of a stupid uniform.

Our three heroes chose a nearby table from which they could easily observe the entire cantina. It was in an empty corner cloaked in deep shadow.

At this point, Donna could have used a drink. A waiter passed by with a tray laden with strange liquids which issued unfamiliar smells. On second thought, a nice cup of tea once they returned to the TARDIS would be jsut fine. Besides, she had no money that would be any good here anyway.

"Since we're in the past of Jadu's timeline, he won't recognize us," the Doctor explained once they were settled. "We're free to find a way to stop him before he even sets foot on Dagobah."

If Donna had learnt anything from her time in the TARDIS, it was that messing with one's own timeline is generally not a good idea. "But wouldn't that cause a paradox, Doctor?"

"Huh?" the Doctor responded without having listened, distracted by the cantina band's peculiar instruments.

Susan had apparently not been listening either, but reached the same conclusion a minute later. "Doctor Who, won't changing the past so Jadu never went to Dagobah make it so we never met him and never went back in time? Won't that cause a bad timey-wimey thing?"

The Doctor instantly answered, "Ah! You mean a paradox! Excellent question, Susan! Simply put, all these Sues are causing paradoxes to begin with, hence the need to neutralize each of them before they destroy the universe. By creating a second paradox in this universe, we'll be able to counteract the first paradox. In doing so, it will be as if this Gary Stu and this alternate version of _Star Wars _never existed in the first place. Canon will the automatically right itself and spit us back into the TARDIS."

"Oh, uh, ok. So how do we 'neutralize' Jadu? If he's such a strong force user, how do we stand any chance at killing him?" Susan asked in a surprisingly casual manner.

If he had any reservations regarding Jadu's death, the Doctor's face showed no signs. "He hasn't been trained in the force yet, but he's still incredibly powerful and neutralization by death would be nigh impossible. Fortunately, to cause a paradox all we have to do is make it so Jadu never becomes a Jedi, thus abandoning the path which would lead him to Dagobah and, by extension, to us."

"So how do we do that?" Donna asked.

"Well, for starters, you'll need someone who knows a thing about him, won't you?" A familiar voice from behind her answered. It did not belong to either of her companions. Apparently, their dark corner was not as empty as they had first thought. A handsome and scruffy scoundrel appeared from out of the shadows. All four of the travelers' hearts leapt from their chests with nerdy glee as they recognized the stranger as none other than their favorite smuggler, Han Solo.

The Doctor was the first to recover from his fanboy stupor. "I'm the Doctor, and this is my dear friend Su-"

"Well, if you don't mind, Doc, I'd rather not involve names given who we're dealing with. And given the fact that about half the galaxy wants my hide," said Solo.

"If you're a wanted man, then what makes you think you can trust us?" asked the Doctor.

"Who says I do?" Solo replied. Donna noticed with growing unease that his hand was poised above the holster of his blaster, ready to shoot first. "Besides, bounty hunters typically don't talk about their business in the open like this. Look, Doc," he continued, "You want him gone. I want him gone. I've tried everything to 'neutralize' him, as you like to call it: open flames, sand people, Jawa slavers, pod racing 'accidents.' You get the idea. At this point, I'll take anyone's help."

"I'm afraid we have no credits to offer you," said the Doctor.

Solo smirked. "I didn't expect you would," he said. "Personal satisfaction and peace of mind are all I'm looking for."

"Alright, but we can't talk here for much longer."

"Agreed. I'll meet you at the spaceport across town. Look for the _Millennium Falcon_." A moment later and Solo was gone, lost amidst the throng of cantina patrons.

"Let's get going, I guess," said the Doctor as he stood up, "unless you want to taste some of Tatooine's microbrew to figure out what's in it."

"Nope," said the girls in unison.

"Well, then, _allons-y_!"

Tatooine's two suns were beginning to set as they left the cantina. But despite time of day, the town still bustled, making it difficult to navigate. On top of that, no one would give them clear directions to the spaceport. Every so often, a ship would land or take off in the distance from a single direction. The Doctor decided walking that way was their best bet. As usual, he was more than happy to take his time and enjoy the scenery.

"Almost feels like we're walking around Disneyland," said Susan.

The Doctor nodded. "I was there once, in the fifties," he said. "Had a few people confusing the TARDIS for a theme park attraction. Good times. This does have a certain Disney air about it though. Must have been written after the buy-out."

"What buy-out, Doctor?" asked Donna.

"You _are_ from earth, right? You, know, when Lucas sold-. Wait, what year did I get you from again, Dora?"

"2008."

"Oh. Well, in that case, forget I said anything."

Half an hour later, the Psychic Paper got them into the spaceport where they found the _Millennium Falcon_ near the back, its owner casually leaning against its side.

Now, one might expect a certain Wookie to be standing with Han or working on the ship. But Solo was completely, well, solo.

"Do you always travel alone?" asked the Doctor after Han ushered them inside.

"For the most part," the smuggler answered. "I did have a Wookie who traveled with me, until we ran into a certain someone who offered him a place on his sorry excuse for a ship."

Donna thought Solo and Jadu's rivalry would be more interesting than that. "So that's why you want to get back at Jadu?" she asked. "He stole your best mate?"

"I guess that's part of it, but that fur ball's a big boy. He can make his own decisions." Han sat down in the captain's chair and started the engines. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to keep my specific reasons for hating that creep to myself. All you need to know right now is that Jadu was a childhood friend of mine, but we haven't spoken much lately, at least not on friendly terms. He recently caught wind of the price on my head and decided to add bounty hunter to his resume alongside stormtrouper."

At this point they all took their seats for the journey to wherever Solo had in mind. The Doctor and Susan opted to make themselves comfortable in the far back of the ship. Donna could care less where they went exactly. They could be snogging their brains out, or worse, back there but as long as it was out of earshot, she no longer cared. Besides, it left the seat next to Han empty.

Han put the ship into lightspeed. "I don't suppose you'll tell us where you're taking us," she said.

"Your 'Doctor' guy didn't ask."

"Well, he's a bit preoccupied at the moment."

"Yeah, I can see that. Anyway, you'll see where we're headed in a second."

They left light speed and began to approach a small green planet. "Welcome to Alderaan," said Han dryly.

"It's in one piece!" Donna remarked.

"Well, the way I hear it, if the Empire had had its way, it wouldn't be. But Jadu pulled some strings."

"Why? I mean, I don't think genocide would bother him very much."

Han sighed in agreement. "It's his birth planet," he explained. "He was born into a noble force-sensitive family. His parents died in some incident involving Sith. We grew up as orphaned pirates together and he only found out about his true parentage just a few months ago. Turns out a large estate and the money to go with it were just sitting there all these years, waiting for him."

Donna suspected such a back story. "Would he have even saved the planet if all his money wasn't on it?"

To Donna's surprise, Han hesitated to answer at first. For a split second, a look of pain crossed his face. Finally, he confessed, "There's also the fact that he's gotten pretty attached to his adopted cousin, Leia Organa. They live together in his palace."

"Oh," was all Donna needed to say. It all made sense now. What a typical man whore Stu.

After lying about being tourists, they gained entry into Alderaan air space. Dozens of palaces began to spread out below them. One in particular caught Donna's eye. It was an imposing, sprawling complex with acres upon acres of ponds and elaborately patterned labyrinths and landscaped terraces. The property was easily twice the size of the ones around it.

"Let me guess," said Donna, "That one's his."

"Who else would own something that gaudy? We'll have to land a short walk away though."

As soon as they landed in the nearby city, the Doctor and Susan appeared disheveled from the back of the ship. "Nice of you to join us, guys. Do you have a plan, or should we just go with mine?" asked Han.

"Oh, uh," the Doctor mumbled as he adjusted his tie, "This is Jadu's place, right? I guess we need to sneak in somehow."

"Yeah, thanks for the input, Doc," said Han sarcastically. "Look, I can't just waltz in there without drawing his attention elsewhere first. There's only one thing in this world that he loves more than seeing me dead: women. All we need is a pretty face to blur his force sensitivity and distract him from noticing who's coming in the front door."

"Consider it done!" said Susan. "If that's alright with you, Doctor Who."

The Doctor looked horrified. "If he doesn't actually touch you, I guess-"

"No," interrupted Han, "Jadu rarely goes for blondes. Hell, he rarely goes for brunettes either unless he thinks it'll tick someone off. Redheads, on the other hand…" With this, Han turned to Donna.

"Um, no," said Donna flatly, "No, no, no, no. Nope. Listen, Mr. A-Stormtrouper-Stole-My-Girlfriend, I don't care if I'm the only ginger in the entire galaxy. You lot can save the universe by yourselves; I'm not getting anywhere near that pervert!"

Susan crossed her arms. "I still don't see why I can't do it. It's so unfair!" She said, stopping her foot. "Why pick her? I thought you said a _pretty _face would get his attention."

Thirty minutes and a brief shopping trip later, Donna was standing near the servants' entrance to Jadu's palace. She was sporting the most skanky dress she had even had the misfortune of wearing.

Several minutes after knocking on the door, a curt butler with and posh accent answered. "Yes?"

Donna struggled to remember what Han had told her to say. "I understand someone ordered a ginger?"

"I beg you pardon, trollop, but I'm afraid you have the wrong house." He was about to shut the door when she stuck her foot in.

"This is the Jadu residence, right? I'm pretty sure that's where the hologram message said to go."

Donna's foot was starting to give from the pain when a shadow appeared in the doorway behind the butler. "Is there a problem here, Jeebs?"

"Master Jadu, this _madam_ is trying to defame this great house!"

"Silence, Jeebs! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll take the lady inside to get to the bottom of it."

An uncomfortably warm hand grabbed Donna by the arm and began guiding her through the vast palace. "You must be new," said Jadu. "When I order girls they usually don't get here until nightfall when Jeebs has gone to bed. Nosy old prude."

"Um, sorry I was early?"

"No, it's ok. I just got back from Tatioone so I was bored anyway."

The walls and floors of the palace were covered in a beige stone which resembled the marble of Earth except that it was much more sparkly. All the rooms in the house were accessed via automatic sliding doors which opened and closed as they walked by. They past one empty room after another, but there were no signs of Leia.

"Do you live here alone?" Donna asked. "Surely, a powerful man like you must have a wife or girlfriend."

"Yeah, but don't worry about her. She isn't even in this part of the estate right now. Besides, she and I have an _understanding_."

A tall staircase spiraled upwards from the center of the house towards the expansive glass ceiling. They began climbing, all the while Donna felt his hand close tighter and tighter. If she thought it would do any good, she would have tried pushing him off right then and there. Han and the Doctor had better hurry up.

Jadu's room was the penthouse suite, naturally. It had its own rooftop garden complete with a swimming pool. The overpowering stench of a wet dog met Donna as she entered. It didn't take long to find its source. Chewy lay reclining on a chaise made out of a wood Donna did not recognize. He must have just gone for a swim.

"Yo, Chewie," called Jadu, "I've got company. I'll need to be alone for the next several hours." With a jovial growl, Chewie left the room. Now completely alone with the Stu, Donna felt sick with fear.


	7. Gary Stu, Part 2: The Stu Strikes Back

Chapter 6: Gary Stu – The Stu Strikes Back

"I don't suppose your boss told you how I like things done," said Jadu after the door shut behind the Wookie. "I should probably explain my preferences before we begin."

"Um, ok, but first, uh," Donna frantically looked around the room for anything that could give her precious time. Her gaze fell on the nearby bar. "First, could we have some drinks while we chat? You don't even know my name yet."

"I don't really see how your name is relevant, but I guess it's early enough to talk for a while. The drinks are coming out of your fee though."

_Cheap twat_ thought Donna.

Once she got passed the initial burning sensational sensation and the blue color, the alcohol in this galaxy actually wasn't so bad. They certainly did wonders for the sinuses.

"So," said Donna after a couple sips, "If my name is so inconsequential, let's talk about you. I take it you're worth quite a lot of credits." They sat down together on a nearby bench. Donna tried to keep as much space between them as she thought she could without raiding suspicion.

"You could say that." Jadu brightened at the prospect of talking about himself. With any luck, his ego would keep the conversation going long enough. "You wouldn't believe how jealous some people are of my wealth though. It's pathetic, really."

Donna nodded for him to continue as she carefully rationed her drink to last as long as possible.

"There's this one guy," he continued. "Man, I can't believe we were ever friends! I'm telling you, the guy is the biggest loser I've ever met. He gave me all this crap about power getting to my head after I inherited everything. Can you believe that? But it won't matter soon enough."

Donna continued to nod when suddenly what he just said sunk in. "Why won't it matter?"

At this, Jadu slid along the bench until he could lean over her, his face inches from hers. "Sweetie, as I'm sure you've heard, I've taken up some side jobs as what some might call a bounty hunter. Me, I prefer the term 'contractor.' Long story short, it turns out this old friend of mine ruffled some influential feathers."

"But why turn your friend in? You just said how rich you are."

"Yeah, but here's the thing: when you're your parents' sole heir, you don't just inherit their assets. Their debts are part of the package. That's the problem with having Jedi relatives. They're always spending money they don't have on charities. But if I bring him in alive, I'll be set for life and gain a Hutt as an invaluable ally. Besides, sitting around this house all day would be rather boring. I need a job to keep me from going insane."

_Too late, _Donna thought. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "But what if you don't catch him?"

"I suppose I could try to find that old Jedi and seek his training in exchange for payment of the family debt. But I will catch my old friend, mark my words." Jadu turned his attention from Donna to a switch on the opposite wall. His brow furrowed in concentration for a moment then suddenly the switch moved as if by itself. Donna couldn't help but jump as the floor directly in front of her opened up to reveal a large pit. It gave off an unearthly chill. "As you can see," said Jadu, "I'm quite capable, even without formal training in force. He'll be frozen in no time." With a wave of his hand the floor closed.

"You see, when I was a kid, an old man came to me and I and said I was supposed to be the 'Chosen One,' or something like that. I don't remember his name, but I think it was something like 'Oboe.' Anyway, he said I had to come with him for Jedi training and in exchange I would never want for anything. I told him to screw off, but you know what? I know now he was right about one thing. I _was_ destined for greatness, even if it wasn't in the way he intended."

Donna was starting to panic. "But why are you telling me all this?"

Jadu smirked, leaning in even further. "You didn't think I'd tell some random whore all this, did you?" At this, he abruptly turned to face the door. "You can stop listening at the door now, Solo."

Not a second later, a burst of blaster fire could be heard coming from the other side of the door. It slid open to reveal Han, closely followed by the Doctor and Susan.

"You guys were listening for quite some time, weren't you? Waiting for the right time to strike? There's never a good time to strike me. As usual, you underestimate my precognition, Solo. Was this really the best plan you could come up with?"

Donna ran to meet her friends and Susan, making sure to step around where she knew the opening was. "If you saw this coming, why did you even let me in? Why did you drag it on?" Donna snapped.

The Jedi shrugged. "I just wanted to see how far I could get with you before they showed up. Honestly, I was kinda disappointed; you were so frigid."

Han didn't want to waste anymore time. He charged, blaster ready to fire and stepped directing into the center of the room.

"No!" cried Donna "Han don't step-"

But it was too late. The floor gave way beneath him. Donna barely had enough time to reach down for him to grab her wrist with his free hand. She almost fell in herself, but managed to find some traction with her feet. She expected the Doctor to come to their aid, but as she turned to look behind her, she saw him and Susan standing to the side, without a shred of concern on their faces. Donna found her balance and began to pull Han out. She looked up to see Jadu laughing at them.

It was at that moment that Donna had her epiphany. She knew what she had to do.

She just hoped the drop below was long enough.

"Han," she said, "I am so sorry."

With that, Donna let her feet loose their grip. As she was plunged into the carbonite, Donna closed her eyes, but not in anticipation of a landing; she didn't want to see Han's face as they fell. Above her, she could just make out the Doctor's yells over the roar of Jadu's laughter.

She must not have been falling more than a few feet when she could no longer feel Han's panicked grip on her wrist. A split second later, she slammed into a hard metal surface. The Doctor's voice grew louder than ever. It was only after Donna realized she was no longer cold that she knew her plan had worked.

She opened her eyes slowly and gave out a sigh a relief. The three of them were back in the TARDIS. As usual, they were being thrown about, but for once, Donna didn't mind it. It landed a moment later, but before she could catch her breath, Donna found herself being flung into the console.

"What do you think you're playing at, Darla? We needed Solo!" The Doctor shook her gruffly as she lay of the floor.

"What am _I _playing at?" Donna retorted. "What are _you _playing at? In case you didn't notice, we're back in the TARDIS. That means Han and everyone else are fine. Come on, this isn't like you!

"Look, you said we needed to cause a second paradox, right? Well, while you two were ogling each other in the back of the room, I was putting the pieces together. Do you know why Jadu ultimately became a Jedi? Hm? Either of you?"

The Doctor let go and the two of them stood up. Donna glanced back and forth at the Doctor and Susan who stood by the doors, as far from the conflict as she could get. They both looked dumbfounded.

"It turns out," said Donna, "That life as a Jedi was his second choice. Jadu preferred the infamy of Jabba's number one a bounty hunter. The author clearly intended for Han to escape. I knew I couldn't let that happen."

The Doctor took a step back as this revelation sunk in. "Of course!" he exclaimed. "I heard nearly all of your conversation. Why didn't I figure it out?"

"I don't know," said Donna as she crossed her arms, "Why didn't you? It's not like I've gotten any smarter of past couple days. The creep practically had to spell it out before I connected the dots. I'm telling you, Doctor, normally you'd have figured this sort of thing way before me. It's your job to go all Sherlock and see some tiny shred of evidence and deduce the whole thing."

The Doctor's face clouded over in deep concern. "It is so strange, Donna. It's almost as if I'm-"

"Hey!" Susan interrupted. "Listen!" She pointed towards the doors behind her.

Outside there came the distant voice of a young boy. He seemed to be calling the same name over and over.

The name was Susan.


End file.
